Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Joy Of Breastfeeding #1

Breastfeeding-There's no where else I'd want to be...

This morning Z allowed me to do my make up so I decided to try and run few errands. Unfortunately, he loathes car rides and I was hoping today might be different. We got the first couple locations taken care of amidst his nearly constant protests.  I decided to venture the few miles and deal with the heart wrenching cries to go to Kohls. When I got there, I wrapped him in my Moby and started to walk around the store to try and lull him to sleep so I could shop normally which involves stopping and meandering. Didn't work, he just wanted to scream his little 5 week newborn scream, so we took it outside. I walked and talked to him and finally the bouncing, patting and shhhing worked, he fell asleep. I shopped for over an hour to spend my free $10 gift card and finally settled on a pair of gowns for Z to help make EC and diaper changes easier.

Then the car ride home he again showed his true lung strength. He belted out screams that sounded like he was in excruciating pain, which he wasn't. My heart aches to hear him scream like that, I just don't know what else to do. It feels like I'm making him "cry it out" but that is completely not my intentions. I talk to him, and at stops I reach back and let him hold my finger. I sing along to my blaring Christmas songs and absolutely nothing works...

Until I get home and get him out of the car seat and into my arms. Then his cries turn to whimpers and once I get him inside, lift my shirt, undo my bra and pop him on, all the world seems right. We both instantly relax and tune in to each other. As I look down at him, he gazes wide eyed at me and doesn't break the staring competition we seem to have started. My heart feels like it is truly melting.  His legs wrap around my side and warm me.  My mind is concentrating only on him, nothing else enters my head, not one non-mothering, loving thought.  As I stare at him and let myself feel the love, my eyes well up with tears.  Eventually he falls asleep at my breast and the last thing I want to do is remove him from me. So here he lays, using me as a pacifier, and I want nothing more in the world then to be here with him.  It is so perfect.  He is so perfect.  I am where I was meant to be.


  1. Beautifully said! I do remember those times... being a living pacifier...


  2. You mean I won't be a pacifier the whole time I nurse? :(